The day my life changed

Well, here I am, still here pushing threw just getting on with life.

Around 4 weeks ago my life came crashing around me, I was 21 weeks pregnant I’d just been to the hospital for my gestergation scan & had some tummy pains, the nurse told me I would have to stay in hospital so they could keep monitoring my baby, I went home grabbed anything I needed and made my way back to the hospital. I wasn’t surprised, since I found out I was pregnant my placenta had not attached right and had caused a subcronic hemorage and so from 6 weeks to 21 this was me, in pain, bleeding & so so much worry. 

As I stayed in hospital that night my pain got worse, I started having full term labour contractions, they got out the doopler and checked the heartbeat, where I heard with my own ears my baby’s heartbeat going strong, with the midwife and nurses doing all they could but nothing could stop my contractions my waters broke and my precious baby boy came sleeping soundly into this world, my whole world came crashing around me. Why me? What have I ever done to deserve this?  Please, I just want to hold & cuddle MY BABY and tell him how precious and special he is to me.

Devastation was nothing to how I felt, I was numb, sore, damaged and I just wanted to meet my boy. When the midwife brought my baby out in a little cot, with his perfect little face & beauitiful button nose, 10 tiny fingers & 10 tiny toes, perfect in every single way, not one mark on him, a proper baby, only a little small, It broke my heart to see him laying there not moving & cold. I picked him up and I cuddled him, kissed him and just talked to him about his family who love him so much. He was the image of his big brother which was an unbearable thought. He deserves so much more than what he got. 
I spent the next five hours with my baby boy, I couldn’t kiss him enough, touch his beautiful lips, hold and cry, I cried and cried and cried, why did this happen to me?? My body failed me, it took my son off me, ripped him away and now I will NEVER get him back.

I am going to continue doing a blog on my life from that day, I feel it helps me to tell my story & I do hope someone finds ease reading it. I will be back on again to write about my hospital memory box & my baby’s ashes! I still constantly ask why me? Why was my baby taken away ??

Everyone has there only story to tell, but I thought I’d share mine. Thanks for reading 😊 
Be back soon……

Controlled breathing  

Exercise??? Who likes it? I haven’t done any exercise in a good 2-3 years, I’m quite thin and wanting to bulk up a little so I’ve been drinking my coffee cappuccino shake, eating between 3-5 meals a day, fruit, veg, and bottles and bottles of water. I’ve wrote my own 20minute work out I’ve been doing squats, planking, lunches, press ups, sit ups, I’m very pleased at how I have stuck to it and actually keeping at it.

I’ve been thinking now for a week or so of going for a run, I’ve been quite conscious of going on my own, you see when I run I can’t get my breathing right (suppose to be in threw your mouth and out threw your nose) I DONT GET IT!!! When I start running I NEED to just breath threw my mouth, I can’t seem to manage then I panic because I’m not breathing properly and before you know it I’m a big red sweaty mess. 

But today I faced my fear I got my running clothes on and set of, I walked down the road I live on, crossed the road and there I was, along the canal it was quiet and no one about. I started and I kept a steady pace & ran the whole way up the canal, when I got to the top I slowed down, practised my breathing, jumped the wall at the top of the canal, threw the park and out the other side by the school, still walking and trying my hardest to keep my breathing right I thought I’m nearly there, I’m nearly back home and I DONE IT, I KEPT GOING and before I knew it, I was at my house. 

I had went for my first run on my own and I done it 😊 I got there, no panic attacks, no tears, no worrying about people looking at me. I am super proud of what I achieved, I’ve been trying really really hard and today feels like it paid off a little. I am absolutely knackered but really well worth it ☺️💪🏼🏋🏼

  • Please feel free to follow me 

#girlpower #panicpanic #controlyourmind #befree 

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust 

The day is here the day I was dreading, I got the phone call to collect my baby’s ashes, they told me he had been cremated on the 26th January 2017 it was now the 29th a Monday morning and I got myself ready and set off for a few mile walk to the crematorium.
I was greeted by the man who I spoke to on the phone, I had to sign a few documents and he handed me my son, who was in a cardboard urn with paw prints around the top and a teddy bear in the middle. I just turned and walked out with my sons ashes. My boy… What was left was in this box, what was I meant to do now? 
It took me a while to walk home, holding him as tight as I could, talking & telling him how much I missed him, what we had planned to do together and all the love that I had for him. 
Back home I places his ashes in my memory box, with all his little memories. I got myself a silver chain & attached my memories butterfly pendant & placed it around my neck. For a moment I felt better, but then reality hit me again. 
Since collecting the ashes, I have felt a little stronger, knowing I can open my memory box, have a peek threw, look at his pictures & speak to his ashes and my pendant, it’s got me threw a lot. I’m not ready to scatter my sons ashes, I’ve thought about waiting until my due date to scatter them, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to part with them. 
He was my boy, from the moment i knew I was pregnant I loved him ever so much, I seen his little body on scans every few days, he kept showing everyone he was a fighter, putting on weight and doing flips every time he was on screen & my body decided to let us both down. He never got to see his mummas face filled with so much love to share with him. 

His little soul was taken too soon, fly high baby your with the angels now mummy will never ever forget you. You are all over the house from scan pictures, little gifts we bought for you. 
They say it gets easier over time, I’m not so sure about that. I think in the past 5 weeks there has been maybe 2-3 days where I haven’t cried. It’s something that’s completely out of my control I just break down. I don’t know when things start to get easier or when I start to feel better, I’m not even sure how you start to move on with day to day life but I will get there. 
I am a fighter & I will prove to everyone I can get threw this and still be a strong person, but I just need to take each day as it comes. Thanks for reading my story I really hope I have touched one person out there, it is a very lonely place if you have never been threw it and you will not understand at all, but there is people out there who has experienced the same thing and can help you. Just ‘BELIEVE’ you are NOT alone 

Memories is all that’s left 

In the hospital where I have birth to my sleeping Angel, the midwife brought me a memory box, beauitiful white, small with a little butterfly on it. (In a way I know some hospitals don’t do this, so in a way I do count myself lucky to have memories of my boy.)

When I opened it, there it was, my beauitiful sons hand and foot prints on a small sheet of card, a small knitted hat & teddy, his hospital tags and a certificate of birth and a few other keepsakes. My heart crumbled 

How on earth do I try to understand that 6-7 hours ago I had my healthy growing baby inside of me – and now, well now I’m left with a memory box? I didn’t care about any of that. 

I wanted to feed my son, help him learn, see him open his beauitiful eyes, hear his first cry, what even about his first steps? Or how he would look when he’s 1,2,3,4,5…..  it was all taken from me and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make it better he was gone and I had a memory box to look at when I felt lonely. Why me? I still don’t understand, I’d love someone to answer that question but no1 can. 
When leaving the hospital I was numb, trying to make sense of everything that happened, leaving without my baby, what about my due date on the 22nd may? That’s not even a date for me now, I just felt everything I went threw was for NOTHING. My bump was gone, I was sore, my boobs where leaking & I was still feeling my baby kicking inside of me, the hard thing to realise is there’s nothing kicking me, it’s all in my head he’s not there no more, there’s no baby anymore.  

The midwife said they will be in contact within the week for me to travel to the crematorium to collect thee ashes. Now just to wait on that dreaded phone call.