Ashes to ashes, dust to dust 

The day is here the day I was dreading, I got the phone call to collect my baby’s ashes, they told me he had been cremated on the 26th January 2017 it was now the 29th a Monday morning and I got myself ready and set off for a few mile walk to the crematorium.
I was greeted by the man who I spoke to on the phone, I had to sign a few documents and he handed me my son, who was in a cardboard urn with paw prints around the top and a teddy bear in the middle. I just turned and walked out with my sons ashes. My boy… What was left was in this box, what was I meant to do now? 
It took me a while to walk home, holding him as tight as I could, talking & telling him how much I missed him, what we had planned to do together and all the love that I had for him. 
Back home I places his ashes in my memory box, with all his little memories. I got myself a silver chain & attached my memories butterfly pendant & placed it around my neck. For a moment I felt better, but then reality hit me again. 
Since collecting the ashes, I have felt a little stronger, knowing I can open my memory box, have a peek threw, look at his pictures & speak to his ashes and my pendant, it’s got me threw a lot. I’m not ready to scatter my sons ashes, I’ve thought about waiting until my due date to scatter them, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to part with them. 
He was my boy, from the moment i knew I was pregnant I loved him ever so much, I seen his little body on scans every few days, he kept showing everyone he was a fighter, putting on weight and doing flips every time he was on screen & my body decided to let us both down. He never got to see his mummas face filled with so much love to share with him. 

His little soul was taken too soon, fly high baby your with the angels now mummy will never ever forget you. You are all over the house from scan pictures, little gifts we bought for you. 
They say it gets easier over time, I’m not so sure about that. I think in the past 5 weeks there has been maybe 2-3 days where I haven’t cried. It’s something that’s completely out of my control I just break down. I don’t know when things start to get easier or when I start to feel better, I’m not even sure how you start to move on with day to day life but I will get there. 
I am a fighter & I will prove to everyone I can get threw this and still be a strong person, but I just need to take each day as it comes. Thanks for reading my story I really hope I have touched one person out there, it is a very lonely place if you have never been threw it and you will not understand at all, but there is people out there who has experienced the same thing and can help you. Just ‘BELIEVE’ you are NOT alone 


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